Sunday, November 13, 2016

I am not okay…

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Hi everyone. I hope some of your weeks might have been better than mine but if not, know that I am right here with you.

The elections happened in the US this week and it’s been one of the roughest weeks in 2016 for me (and 2016 has been a terrible year in general so that is saying a lot.) The reason why I am talking about any of this is because I NEED to explain how I am feeling right now. I am stuck and I cannot move on. I don’t WANT to move on. The results of these elections mean a lot of things to a lot of different people and for me, they show that hate is trumping love across the globe. We seem to be taking a lot of steps backward this year and my eyes are opening to this whole new level of intolerance I was too naive to think existed.

Don’t get me wrong. I go to college in a small town and have been yelled at and cursed at a bunch of time so I’ve always felt unsafe but I always thought there was a place for me outside of this town, you know? That maybe the world was my oyster and that maybe my dreams had a chance.

I don’t feel that way anymore. I just feel terrified. For myself, for my friends and their families, for people I don’t know. Nothing feels right anymore. The day after the elections? I was too afraid to leave my house and when I did and saw a white guy in a truck I almost burst into tears because I was worried he would yell at me or say something awful.

I went to a rally on Wednesday and I could feel how much people in this town didn’t want us there. One of my co-workers told me that in the comments section of a local newspaper article about the rally, people were leaving death threats aimed towards the college students.

So yes, I am not doing okay. I cannot concentrate on my school work (finals are next week so I am F U C K E D) and worst of all, I cannot read. Reading has always been a form of escapism for me. I read to escape the world and horrible things and I cannot do that. I cannot find comfort in words because I am so scared but I don’t want to forget about what is happening in the world now. I am afraid that if I forget, it’ll be me giving in and other people will slowly start to forget too. And soon enough, this hatred will be our new normal. I don’t want that,  I cannot have that. The only thing keeping me going right now is that there are people who are not okay with this. That there are people fighting and I am scared that soon enough people will stop. I don’t know, I am rambling but I have a lot of emotions right now.

I don’t even know what the point of this post is anymore. Maybe just that we are all in this together and we need to stay strong? We cannot give up. Not for us, not for the world, not for anyone. We cannot let hate trump and we cannot accept this as our new normal. I am not okay right now and maybe you aren’t either. Maybe we won’t be okay anytime soon (and people telling others ‘what is done is done’ need to SHUT THE FUCK UP.) But we are in this together and I have a little smidgen of hope that won’t stop bothering me and occasionally making me feel like we might even be okay.

I am here if you want to talk. My DMs are open on twitter, you can also email me or leave a comment. Lots of hugs and love to every single one of you. <3 <3


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Rashika has been tired since 2013. There are very few things that spark joy for her besides a nice cup of tea, warm, baked goods, good books and good TV shows. She is here to pile onto your giant TBRs and to-watch lists. Offer her a cookie and she might be nice to you.

17 Responses to “I am not okay…”

  1. Hannah

    I’m so sorry Rashika. <3

    There's a quote from the Paris Review that really resonated with me, and I hope it brings you some measure of comfort:

    "This site is dedicated to literature, arts, and culture. Electoral politics are usually beyond our remit. On a morning like this, when America has chosen a bigot and a xenophobe as its next president, my job feels pointless. But I don’t want to add to the chorus of despair, because I do believe there’s a role for art at a time like this, and I don’t say that lightly—words like these don’t come easily to me. I would rather make fun of things, and I’m struggling against an inborn fatalism. (My iPhone just reminded me to water my plants, and I thought, why bother?) The creative impulse is such a fragile thing, but we have to create now. We owe it to ourselves to do the work. I want to encourage you. If you aspire to write, put aside all the niceties and sureties about what art should be and write something that makes the scales fall from our eyes. Forget the tired axioms about showing and telling, about sense of place—any possible obstruction—and write to destroy complacency, to rattle people, to help people, first and foremost yourself. Lodge your ideas like glass shards in the minds of everyone who would have you believe there’s no hope. And read, as often and as violently as you can. If you have friends, as I do, who tacitly believe that it’s too much of a chore to read a book, just one fucking book, from start to finish, smash every LCD they own. This is an opportunity. There’s too much at stake now to pretend that everything is okay."

  2. ShootingStarsMag

    I’m so sorry to hear you were scare to leave your house. I’m not okay either. And I don’t want people to be complacent or stop talking. I’m tired of people on my facebook trying to tell people to be quiet or lumping all protesters together. Violence and hatred are not the answers – I wish protesters wouldn’t be violent, but that’s a very small few in the grand scheme of things. Most of us are just scared and don’t want the platform Trump ran on to be the new normal. It won’t be if we keep fighting – in whatever way we can. Take care of yourself though!


  3. Keertana @ Ivy Book Bindings

    I want to preface this by saying that I am here if you need to talk and your feelings are valid–you are not going through this alone, no matter what the people around you may say. We, as Americans, elected Hillary Clinton. The popular vote is rising to prove that more than 1.8M Americans elected Hillary, our would-have-been first female president.

    I completely agree with you that this week has been so, so hard. I was shattered when Hillary didn’t win, not just because Trump won instead but because this country just can’t let women win, can it? What do we have to do to finally break some glass ceilings? I am so done, and I know that we will probably have a female president during my lifetime, but it was supposed to be NOW. Four, eight, or sixteen years into the future isn’t the same as RIGHT NOW.

    As for Trump: I am terrified. So many of his supporters are privileged and won’t be affected by his policies but so many of my close friends and family members absolutely WILL be. Trump students drove into my college campus to harass students and the fact that this is our new norm–that we can’t be safe in our college campuses, our towns and cities and grocery stores and gas stations–is unbelievably sad. I love that the people aren’t giving up, that there are protests all over America, but despite the solidarity, I am not at a place of acceptance yet. I am angry. I am hurt. I am shocked that there are so many racist, sexist, horrible people who share this country with us.

    Even if Trump had not won, the close margins of this election say so much about the demographic of our nation and that is the most disturbing of all. Trump’s 100 days are going to be three and a half months of absolute fear, waking up each day not knowing if people are going to be rounded up and deported or what else is going to happen. I hope the electoral college voters change their mind on December 19th and vote for someone else, but I have a feeling our next four years is going to look a lot like the past few days–protests and hate attacks/speech.

    I wish I could tell you it’s going to be OK, but all I can say is that we do have SOME power. We can donate to Planned Parenthood and other organizations. We can support one another and not be bystanders when we witness acts of racism and sexism. We can make an effort to educate our peers, even if they make a simple joke, and call them out on it. We can go out and vote November 2018 to change Congress and put more Democrats in power. We can encourage other young voters and minority groups to go out in mass groups that overpower the white men and women who are responsible for electing Trump. And in four years, when the time comes to kick Trump out of the White House, we will do it.

    Stay strong, Rashika, and take care of yourself–remember, self care is not selfish–and if you need anyone to talk to, I am always available by e-mail, facebook, goodreads, etc. Do not hesitate to reach out. <3

  4. Lectus

    Remember that Trump won’t be alone. Obama couldn’t do many of the things he wanted because his initiatives were blocked. Let’s just wait and see what Trump will do first instead of imagining the things he could do but that we don’t know if he will be able to do.

  5. Nikki

    “I am afraid that if I forget, it’ll be me giving in and other people will slowly start to forget too. And soon enough, this hatred will be our new normal. I don’t want that, I cannot have that. The only thing keeping me going right now is that there are people who are not okay with this.”

    I agree with this wholeheartedly. I am horrified by all that has happened and continues to happen. This is not the country I thought I knew. I always knew there were terrible people and racists etc. but THAT many? Nearly half that bothered to vote? It is horrifying. Even if they claim to not be a bigot, they willingly voted for one which is not terribly different if you ask me. And yes, I too am worried that we will become complacent and somehow forget everything and allow it to become the new normal. We cannot allow normalization, that is when we lose our power and potentially the America we once knew.

    As these comments have shown, you are definitely not alone. I have heard from so many people that are just as worried and it is the one thing that is keeping me from losing all hope.

    And Lectus, while it is nice to believe, I think he will potentially get whatever he wants considering the house and senate are Republican as well. If history (and sadly even recent weeks) dictates, they’ll fall in line too and there will be no one to stop them, especially if filibusters etc. are removed (which has been considered). Obama would have been able to accomplish a lot more had he had Congress as well.

    P.S. My reading has gone to hell too!

  6. Wendy Darling

    I’m so very sorry, Rashika. I don’t know what to say to you other than that, because nothing is good enough and I don’t have any answers and I don’t even know anyone who has any answers.

    The past week has felt like a waking nightmare–for two days, I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed and I’m still dissolving into tears every time a new piece of terrible news came in. And terrible news keeps coming in. It’s such a scary time to be a woman, to be a person of color, to be non-Christian, to be lgbtqi, to be basically be anyone other than a straight white man. I was telling my husband this is even worse than 9/11 in so many ways–because the attack now comes from within our own country, and because this is a brutal strike against everything we have always stood for and hold dear. And because there’s no sure way of stopping this insane tide that’s coming in.

    Like you, I’ve found it hard to read. It took a few days for me to ease back into fluffy romances, but I’m constantly shifting between rage/despair/pain and fleeting moments of normalcy, which feel like (and pretty much are) utter denial of everything that’s going on. I had a blog post that had to publish last week, otherwise I would have retreated entirely from social media, I think. It might have helped, in a way, to be forced into a semblance of regular life. But it’s so hard when it feels like the world is falling apart.

    I don’t know what to say, except that I’m so desperately sorry you’ve been hurting and scared. You are not alone, and you are valued, and you are loved. I don’t know how we’ll get through this, but I can only hope that we will.

    Are there support groups on campus that might be of help? I hope that there are friends and family IRL who can be there for you (walk you to and from your car, etc) if and when you need it. Sending you hugs and strength, always,

  7. Jasprit

    Rashika, I’m so sorry for what you and so many others have to go through because of this result. I know its such a difficult time, and so scary too, but stay strong darling, you know I’m always here for you if you need to vent or chat about anything. *sending hugs* x

  8. Lizzy

    I’m so sorry. I’m so filled with sadness that our country could have chosen this horrible person as a leader. I don’t know what to say. I haven’t been able to read either. 🙁

  9. Shannon @ It Starts at Midnight

    I love you so much, Rashika. SO. MUCH. And I love this post, even though I wish like hell you didn’t have to write it. Also, as it turns out, I started writing this comment yesterday and never hit send. So there’s that. BUt I love you so much. And of course I am here any time you need me, love ♥♥♥

  10. Lexxie @ (un)Conventional Bookviews

    Rashika, I can only send you lots and lots of hugs, and love, and courage. I live across the Atlantic, and I have to say I am scared for the state of the world, too. To see that someone who doesn’t really respect anyone or anything be elected to be the president of one of the most powerful countries in the world is like waking up in a dystopia.
    {{{BIG HUGS}}}

  11. Ethan

    I can definitely agree with you on the results being a shock. What looked to be a sure thing ended up being not the case. As someone whose daily life could potentially be negatively affected by this new administration, I went through my own form of grief by actually escaping into books and having a rather productive week. Isn’t it funny how different people react to situations?! I hope that with time, you’ll be able to get back to doing the things you love to do. I know these seem to be uncertain times, but I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are all here for you and love reading your posts!

  12. Micheline @ Lunar Rainbows Reviews

    BIG HUGS to you my friend! Even though I’m Canadian, we’ve always been familiar with U.S. politics and I remember being so moved and happy when Obama won 8 years ago. As a life-long feminist, I wanted Clinton to win but not just because she’s a woman. Because she’s capable and strong and willing to stand up for those who need it the most. I was upset before the election because I couldn’t believe that Trump got that far AND that it was going to be that close. The morning after the election I was devastated and honestly, I’m still not over it. I can only imagine how it is for you there. Sending lots of love to my American friends ♥

  13. Barb (boxermommyreads)

    I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I’ve tried to remain neutral on the internet with my opinions but I need to let you know, you are not alone. I still can’t believe the world has taken a turn like this and it’s left me speechless at times. I even got up at 4:30 am the morning after the election to check the news to see if there had been some kind of mistake. I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time. Just know that not everyone thinks the same way and am sending positive thoughts your way.

  14. Cynthia @ Bingeing On Books

    I am so, so, SO sorry about everything you are feeling and going through. I was so disappointed by the election results as well. I live in Italy, but I am an American and I voted by absentee ballot. I am still in a bit of shock that he won. There are really no words . . .