Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Review: Frozen by Melissa de la Cruz

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Review: Frozen by Melissa de la Cruz
Frozen
Melissa de la Cruz
Series: Heart of Dread #1
Genre: Fantasy, Mythology, YA
Publication date: September 17th 2013
by Putnam Juvenile

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Welcome to New Vegas, a city once covered in bling, now blanketed in ice. Like much of the destroyed planet, the place knows only one temperature—freezing. But some things never change. The diamond in the ice desert is still a 24-hour hedonistic playground and nothing keeps the crowds away from the casino floors, never mind the rumors about sinister sorcery in its shadows.

At the heart of this city is Natasha Kestal, a young blackjack dealer looking for a way out. Like many, she's heard of a mythical land simply called “the Blue.” They say it’s a paradise, where the sun still shines and the waters are turquoise. More importantly, it’s a place where Nat won’t be persecuted, even if her darkest secret comes to light.

But passage to the Blue is treacherous, if not impossible, and her only shot is to bet on a ragtag crew of mercenaries led by a cocky runner named Ryan Wesson to take her there. Danger and deceit await on every corner, even as Nat and Wes find themselves inexorably drawn to each other. But can true love survive the lies? Fiery hearts collide in this fantastic tale of the evil men do and the awesome power within us all.
-A copy was provided by G.P. Putnam's Sons for review-

I haven’t read a book I could describe as truly terrible in a long time. I was surprised at every turn of a page that I was still reading it. I’m not really sure why I kept reading. A fruitless hope that it would suddenly turn into a good book? Or catch fire? Either way, this book has taken hours of my life I will never get back! ROBBERY! This is a book that, if read drunk… would still be terrible. Beer goggles can never be thick enough – well I guess once it blurs the words so much you have to make up your own…

Ok moving on.

How did I go about hating this book so much? Mostly the fact that this whole world is filled with nonsense and contradictions, then add to that a mish mash of any kinds of paranormal… thing you can think of. Zombies, Nymphs, Drakons, “Smallmen”, polar bears, you name it. Its shell is a post apocalyptic world where everything is frozen over, people are starving, supplies are scarce, but wait… one of the main characters has a ship and drives a Hummer! When he’s not starving, that is, because otherwise it would be uncomfortable I suppose. Although, this is the same character who, in the same paragraph as admitting he can’t read, reads the author’s name off a book, then later on could tell a label was written in French. So obviously, he’s speshul!

Not as speshul as Nat, though. SHE has a voice in her brain telling her to do things! I thought that’s when we diagnosed schizophrenia, but I’m no doctor. At least she hasn’t let it affect her ego:

“So what if I was? Interested, I mean.” He shrugged. “It wouldn’t be a surprise,” she [Nat] said. “I’m sure half the crew has a crush on me.” She rolled her eyes.”

We can’t blame them for all their awesome, though, because much of the human brain is not wasted on lesser things anymore, like written language. Written language has devolved into “amalgam of symbols and acronyms”, basically very simple text speech. For instance, a book in this world is titled XLNT <3 LULZ – yeah LULZ is right! No disrespect to its author, I’m sure it’s an excellent read full of lulz! (Sometimes I surprise myself with my cleverness!) But anyways, there’s not much reason to read anymore since most information in this world is relayed via videos and images – you know, like we do with newborn babies…

How about we give it up for the quotes that speak for themselves:

It was after curfew, when the only vehicles allowed in the streets were the Willie Winkie patrols […] Wait for it… LULZ!

Every citizen an armed citizen, was the country’s unofficial motto. (Pssst – what is everyone shooting at?)

“[…] to keep things confidential, to make us forget… they used to put us in ice baths, to freeze our memories somehow.” Think twice next time you give your feverish kid an ice bath! Should we tell the hospitals?

“Wailers. Like funeral wailers,” Nat said, thinking of the elaborate funeral rites that had become the norm for those who could afford it, where professional mourners were hired to wail and cry and pull their hair to show the level of wealth and the depth of bereavement of the family. The more elaborate the show of grief, the more expensive.” THIS IS REAL!

It’s Bacon Fruit. Tastes like fruit, looks like bacon. I just… I…

[…] and they were kissing, and kissing, and kissing, and his mouth was on hers […] Bravo! *claps enthusiastically*

Oh oh, and they need a license for a one night stand! I wonder what’s written on it: = 1 NYT 53X?

On a positive note, at page 30 or so, we get a super duper exciting car race/crash: A full 3 paragraphs of thrill! … No, never mind, I didn’t like that either.

FFS!

L8TR!

*Quotes in this review were taken from the uncorrected proof.*

1 Stars
1 Cold Espresso


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Canadian blogger, wife, mother, coffee lover, and sarcastic at heart! She has had a love for all things bookish since before Amazon and eReaders existed *le gasp*. You can also find her organizing tours and other fun things at Xpresso Book Tours.
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34 Responses to “Review: Frozen by Melissa de la Cruz”

  1. Emily Drema

    Oh mann, looks like this was pretty bad xD Books that you laugh at because… they’re no good is always really bad. Gotta say that the quotes may it look a tad awkward as well.
    And to deserve a cold espresso, well, not doin’ it good. Books that rob your time are always a face-desk worthy one.
    Well, sad to see that you didn’t enjoy this one Giselle, though I hope you have a better week in books ahead! 😀

  2. Nick @ Nick's Book Blog

    Oh man! This sounds really bad. I thought it would be a fabulous read and I was excited for it to come out but it looks like it was one giant mess.
    The characters and the world sound terrible. I’m sorry you wasted your time with this atrocity, Giselle!
    Hopefully, your next book is amazeballs and will get rid of this one from your memory.
    Thank you for the honest review. I will be staying far far away from this.

  3. Savannah

    Too bad. I will be picking up this book soon and I had high hopes for it. I’ll be cautious when reading it. Thanks for being honest and sharing.

  4. Eileen @ Singing and Reading in the Rain

    Hahaha I laughed so hard while reading this! I tried to warn you 😉 But yeah the world building was horrible and there were so many contradictions and I honestly skimmed most of it near the end because I was so confused. The text speak was also pretty infuriating. Ugh I’m sorry you didn’t like this one, especially after Tumble & Fall, but hopefully your next book is doing better!

    Fantastic review, Giselle! <33

  5. Mel@thedailyprophecy

    Bhahaha, it’s a shame that this was such a horrible book, but you’ve written an entertaining review! I don’t like inconsistency and it all sounds too strange. Thanks for the honesty and I’ll stay away (such a shame, pretty cover)

  6. Lenore (@Nocturnereads)

    This is sad. I really like Melissa’s Blue Blood Series, but I’ll admit that I never could get into her other witch adult series. Guess I’m going to be skipping this one. Thanks for the review.

  7. Sam @ Realm of Fiction

    Ugh this sounds awful. I haven’t really enjoyed anything by Melissa de la Cruz in the past, so I guess I’ll stay away from this book too. Sorry that it was such a disappointment for you Giselle, but I hope your next read is better!

  8. Christianna

    I can’t. I just can’t stop laughing! This review was amazing and glorious and all those other things! I can’t believe that this book is a thing. There is no way that I’ll be reading it, but I have a feeling that we’re gonna get great reading material out of the review like yours!

  9. Megan

    LULZ!!!! Damn it, now I actually kind of want to read this one so I can experience this frozen mess for myself! And now I can’t stop laughing to myself like a complete tool. This one sounds like a disaster.

  10. Christina (A Reader of Fictions)

    http://mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Now-Comes-The-Part-Where-We-Throw-Our-Heads-Back-In-Laughter-In-George-Of-The-Jungle.gif

    READY!

    “Beer goggles can never be thick enough.” Bahaha. Maybe you’re a 1.5 right before I pass out, but that’s it FROZEN. There are not enough tasty frozen alcoholic beverages in the WORLD. I will die of hypothermia before you are a good book.

    WTF are smallmen? That doesn’t sound PC. WHY ARE POLAR BEARS IN EVERYTHING? Damn you, LOST. You have taught everything everywhere nonsensical world building.

    WILLIE WINKIE PATROLS. That sounds so dirty. Just saying. HANDS OFF, PATROLMEN.

    Pssssst – what is that comma doing there? BOOK, YOU MAKE NO SENSE.

    Because when you’re REALLY sad, you can’t be fussed to pull your OWN damn hair.

    BACON FRUIT. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

    Lol at your license.

  11. kay

    I was a bit hesitant about this one, but with so many books coming out, and the few reviews I have read so far, I’m pretty sure I’ll let this one go. The writing looks a bit clunky, too. Huh…

  12. Vivian

    Haha, I love your review! Yea, this one looked interesting, but after reading this, I’ll have to pass. No way I can stand that amount of crazy when I can barely find a book I like nowadays.

  13. ShootingStarsMag

    I haven’t even heard of this one. I wasn’t interested by the summary, but reading your review just proved I would not like this one. Granted, I’m sure I wouldn’t be as annoyed by some of the things you mentioned…but overall, doesn’t sound that great of a story.

  14. Mary @ BookSwarm

    *snort* Maybe that’s why I haven’t gotten around to reviewing this one. Because I really don’t think I can put my feelings into words yet. I *might* be generous and say it was a two-ish…leaning towards one. Your review made me giggle, though. Now, who wants Bacon Fruit? (I mean, WTF?)

  15. Kelsey@TheLostBookReports

    Oh this review sealed the deal for me! I originally pre-ordered the book and I am not going to lie I only did it because Melissa De La Cruz had done a thing on twitter that if you sent your address and proof of purchase of Frozen she would send one of her older books free. I am a huge fan of hers and even though, I didn’t WANT the book. I figured why not?! After not receiving the book, I pondered canceling the order, i can spend that money on other things. So, the decision is made. order canceled.

  16. Aman

    Who comes up with Bacon Fruit?!? I’m laughing so hard right now! I wasn’t a fan of Melissa De La Cruz’s Blue Blood series, so I never really requested this one. Now I’m pretty glad I didn’t because the cover was tempting. Sorry it was a waste of time. Thanks for sharing your review 🙂

  17. Stacie C.

    Awe that sucks. The cover and premise looked promising, and I was even thinking of going to her book signing next month. Now I’m not so sure I want to go :0/. Thanks for your honesty!

  18. Jeanne Izzy

    This seemed like the kind of book I would read, but your review is enough to convince me that if I ever tried, I would either run away screaming or lose my sanity.

    So

    Thanks

  19. Molli

    And you finished this? Oh girl. Oh my. This sounds AWFUL. I saw you and Christina tweeting about it and I kept hoping it would get somehow magically better for you.

    Yikes. The text speak, plethora of critters, Nat, etc. It all just sounds like a hot mess. Ew. 🙁

    Once Upon a Prologue

  20. Micheline (Lunar Rainbows)

    bahahaha, yeah I think I’ll pass on reading my copy now. I was kind of excited for the ‘Frozen’ aspect of the world but no…just no. The quotes, the characters, the fact that they were kissing and kissing and kissing but their mouths were only stated as being on each other AFTER all that kissing. *blinks* *rubs eyes* *blinks* *stares* O_O

    I’m not even going to think about the guy who can’t read but then proceeds TO READ and even distinguish languages. What fresh hell is THAT?!

    Thanks for taking one for the team but I still feel bad you had to suffer through it >.< Sweet review chick ♥

  21. Audris

    THOSE QUOTES! The whole thing just sounds awful. I was never really excited for this book and now I’ll be steering clear. Too many good books to read to be wasting time on one like this haha.

  22. BookWorm

    does anyone know what the second book is called, or when it will come iut or if it already has?

    plz respond

    thx